Jensen's Pet
by MauMauKa
Summary: Jensen acquires a pet. Havoc ensues. Crack!fic


**A/N: Kudos to my Awesome friend Makia! She came up with Cooter's name and encouraged me to write this! Maumauka**

**Jensen's Pet**

**Part 1**

"No, Jensen."

"But Colonel!"

"NO. That's an order."

"But he'll die! The shot nearly took his leg off! And he's only a baby!"

Clay fought the urge to start tearing at his hair—or Jensen's throat. The hacker was staring at him with big, blue puppy-dog eyes while he cradled the injured black howler monkey to his chest. He had wrapped a clumsy bandage around one of the animal's back legs, but it was still bleeding and whimpering. Clay was not usually a cruel man, but in this case he thought it might be more merciful to either put the creature out of its misery or leave it there and let the local predators have it.

Of course, there was no way he could say that to Jensen, who was a sucker for everything on four legs that came along. He knew the last thing the team needed was a goddamn pet monkey. He also knew that if he suggested either of the _sensible_ options to Jensen, the hacker would never forgive him. And a sulking Jensen was something they needed even less than a monkey.

"You need to give it back to its mother, Jensen."

"Its mother is dead. I checked already."

Clay cursed under his breath. "All right. But that thing is YOUR responsibility, is that clear? You are gonna pay for whatever it chews up, tears up, or shits on. If it bites someone, you are gonna pay for the doctor. And if Roque or Cougar kills it, don't come crying to me."

"I won't" Jensen grinned down at his sleepy charge. He had ground up half of a sedative tablet and rubbed it onto the little monkey's lips, and the monkey seemed to be on his way to slumberland. When he was all the way out, Jensen would try to con Cougar into fixing his leg. "I'm gonna call him Cooter! That's a great name for a monkey."

Clay shook his head and tried not to think of what Roque would say.

**Part 2**

"MONKEY RAPE! AAAAUUUUUGH!"

Pooch's unearthly scream shattered the quiet of the clearing. A small dark shadow hooted and raced up a tree. The Losers bolted awake, grabbing weapons and pressing themselves against the ground. "_Pooch?_ What the hell is wrong with you?" Clay hissed.

"Jensen's nasty little fleabag pet RAPED me! I woke up and there it was BEATING OFF ON MY FUCKING CHEST! I'm gonna be emotionally scarred for the rest of my life! JENSEN, STOP THAT LAUGHING BEFORE I BLOW YOUR GODDAMN HEAD OFF!"

Jensen struggled to control himself at the sight of Pooch frantically brushing at his shirt, a grimace of revulsion on his face. His shirt was now sporting a small white stain. Clay shook his head. Poor Pooch. Waking up with a masturbating monkey on your chest was only supposed to happen after a night of being so shitfaced you couldn't see straight. "Jensen, go get your monkey."

Cougar lowered his rifle. His face had begun to twitch; little hissing noises were seeping out between his teeth. When Clay asked, "Is there a _problem_, Cougar?" the sniper buried his face in his bedding and howled. Clay, Pooch, Jensen, and Roque all stared in astonishment as silent, poker-faced Cougar had a fit of gutbusting, laughing hysterics.

"Uh, Cougs?" Jensen said tentatively.

"_Monkey rape!"_ yelled Cougar before he collapsed again.

"You would think that's funny, you sick bastard", growled Pooch.

"Ooo-WOOP! Ooo-WOOP!"

"See? Even THAT little fucker is laughing at me! Where's my gun?" Pooch dug into his bag as Jensen leaped on him. "NO! You can't shoot Cooter!"

"Watch me!"

"BOYS!" Clay raised his voice into the shut-up-and-listen-or-I'll-kill-you-slowly-and-painfully range. "Jensen, I warned you. The very next town we come to, you owe Pooch a shirt. Right now you can loan him one—a _normal _one. Pooch, I'm sorry this happened, feel free to shoot the monkey if it happens again."

"CLAY!" Jensen wailed. Clay held up a hand. "I don't want to hear it. It's your job to control your own pet. Cougar, calm down before you piss yourself."

Cougar buried his head in his arms; his body was still shaking with laughter.

"What the fuck is going on?" growled Roque's sleep-clogged voice.

"Jensen's fucking monkey raped me" Pooch glared as he went over to Jensen's duffle bag and began looking for a shirt he could bear to wear in public. He settled for a white one that said: WHAT IF THE HOKEY POKEY REALLY _IS _WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT?

"Cooter didn't _rape_ you" Jensen corrected. "He just jacked off on you. There's a big difference. Besides, he's just a monkey! He didn't know any better."

"I ever catch him he's _gonna _know better" Pooch retorted as he climbed back into his bedroll. "I have a few bullet points to show him."

"Shut the hell up" Roque ordered. "Pooch man, whatever happened it's over. You can kick Jensen's ass tomorrow. Jensen, you are a weird little freak and I don't like you at all right now. Go to sleep before I save Pooch the trouble and beat the shit out of you myself. Cougar, I don't know WHAT the hell is wrong with you, but whatever it is, cut it out. "

"Go fuck yourself, _amigo_" Cougar returned smartly, still chuckling. "That was the funniest thing I've seen in forever!"

"And _I'm_ supposed to be the weirdo?" Jensen grumped as he lay back down. "Any of you guys mess with Cooter and I'm gonna be seriously pissed. SERIOUSLY. Seriously as in you're gonna get some of the nastiest viruses known to man."

Clay sighed as he extinguished the camping lantern again and tried to return to slumberland. It wasn't easy. Cougar kept chuckling for a long time.

~Fin~


End file.
